Crossing the Threshold

I arrived at the threshold trembling with fear. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t think I could cross it. I thought I’d never recover. I was young and had little life experience. All I knew was that something in me had shifted. I now knew what it meant to suffer deeply, to wonder with existential angst if I would ever be the same. The answer, I learned, was no. I had crossed a threshold I could never uncross. The question became: who would I become?

I read and read and read. I thought that if I could find that one book, I would finally heal (whatever that even means). Only then would I come face to face with that elusive sense of okayness. As if reading some words strung along in a sentence would lead to wholeness, as if I wasn’t already whole. I saw myself as a project, which held the implicit belief that I was not acceptable, worthy, or even safe as I was. It took time and patience, curiosity and compassion, but I don’t see myself as a project anymore. Rather, I see myself as a person to accept.

I know now that there is no magical book that makes life (well, me) feel good all the time. If I’m being honest with myself, I wouldn’t want that. I’d rather live the authentic experience of being human, with all its uncertainties, griefs, and anxieties. And don’t get me wrong, I won’t pretend that I like feeling anxious, uncertain, or grief (of course not), but when I turn toward my experience with grace, surrender, and compassion, I’m able to find an embodied sense of ease, of okayness–that I’m okay, even as things feel like they’re falling apart.

I’ve learned that every threshold asks us the same thing: to step forward with courage. And in saying yes, even as we stand there shaking, we discover not a perfect life, but a whole one. We come to realize that we are, fundamentally, okay.

Questions to Consider

1. Have you ever treated yourself like a project to fix?
2. How might you begin to see yourself as a person to accept? What would it take?

Journal Prompts

1. Write about a threshold moment in your life. How did it change you?
2. Recall a time when everything felt like it was falling apart, yet you still sensed an inner okayness. What helped you find that ground?
3. Write a letter to your past self based on what you know now.
4. Write a letter from your future self to your present self, offering guidance or reassurance.