Brief Thoughts On Humanistic Therapy

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change” (Rogers, 1961).

I’m humanistic at heart. I believe we are innately wired for growth. Think of a toddler trying over and over and over again to take those first steps. We have within us a natural drive toward reaching our fullest potential, whatever that means for us. But sometimes the demands of life feel enormous, and we feel overwhelmed, overworked, and exhausted. Sometimes we lose track of ourselves in the midst of hurrying through our days. It’s something many of us are intimately familiar with. We might find ourselves in therapy precisely because we are tired of living on autopilot and instead want to re-connect with our genuine wants and needs. We might ask ourselves, Who am I , actually? What do I really want?

As a counsellor, humanism greatly informs my work. I think that Carl Rogers, a renowned psychologist known for his person-centred therapy, had it right all along. Rogers spoke poignantly about the core conditions necessary and sufficient for therapeutic change to occur: unconditional positive regard, empathy, and congruence. Unconditional positive regard, otherwise known as acceptance, refers to the true acceptance of the person in front of you as is, without trying to change or mould them to be any which way. We’re often trying to change others, including ourselves, to behave and act according to X, Y, Z framework. We might think we ourselves are unacceptable unless we A, B, or C. Sometimes, when we try hard to change ourselves, friends, family members, or clients, the message we send, like I said in a previous post, is that we or they are inherently not enough. That in order to be accepted we or they must change. And that’s where Rogers’ quote above, of the curious paradox, comes in. Rogers and I both believe that, sometimes, for desirable change to occur, for people to reach their fullest potential, they must be accepted as they are. Then, in the warm embrace of a true and radical acceptance, they are given the opportunity to change, to try something new, to try on a new behaviour for size, so to speak. When we feel sincerely accepted, that we really won’t be judged, we are far safer to explore and uncover our more vulnerable life experiences in therapy or in relationship. Curiously, growth happens when we are accepted for who we are.

To Rogers, acceptance was paired with empathy and congruence. Empathy relates to how the counsellor (or a friend, a family member, or even a stranger) works to truly understood a person’s perspective. The impact of accurate empathy is that a person is left feeling sincerely heard and understood, which I would argue are core needs in all relationships. You probably know what it feels like to be misunderstood, for someone’s attempt at empathy to not land in quite the right way. Sometimes we are left feeling even more misunderstood than before. Being met with accurate empathy is a life-affirming experience, and a good therapist will be able to accurately track your experience and correct themselves if they miss the mark, ensuring that they always stay tuned into your lived experience.

Lastly, Rogers spoke about congruence, sometimes called authenticity or genuiness. This is all about how a humanistic therapist is genuine and real. When you meet a therapist deeply grounded in the humanistic tradition, you will feel you are meeting another person, not just a professional with X, Y, Z title, but a human being who, like you, also suffers. You will know that they, too, understand. A humanistic therapist brings their authentic, true self into the room with you. And in doing so, they may subtly or not-so-subtly show you that you can be real, too. That you no longer need to hide behind a facade or mask. That your real self is welcome here.

When I think about what makes therapy supportive, it always comes back to acceptance, empathy, and congruence. When you find a counsellor who clicks with you in these ways, or ways that matter most to you, you will know; you will feel it in your bones. I know I did. And, as such, I believe wholeheartedly in the therapeutic relationship as the vehicle for lasting change. When you can share vulnerably in the safe presence of an attuned, warm heart, you begin to soften, to trust, and to feel less alone. And from that place of safety, the possibility for growth opens in profound ways. 

Journal Prompts

Feel free to substitute friends, family members, or significant others if therapist isn’t applicable to you.

1. When do I feel most connected to my therapist or to others?
2. What qualities would I like my therapist to have?
3. How will I know when I find the right therapist?

References

Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist’s view of psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.